"it's just what grown ups say."

Is the answer my mom gives A LOT when I question her cock-a-ma-mie "wives tales" about things in life. Which definitively proves that she has NO CLUE what she's talking about....well...SOME of the times she has no clue. Most of the time she does.

Anyways, last year when I was pregnant everyone and their mother had some old wives tale that they knew of to predict everything from the sex of the baby to when the due date~ And now that little asian baby is here, they now have tales that predict when little asian baby #2 will arrive and what the sex of that baby will be too...

 *siGh* people are weird.

So here are some NEW cock-a-ma-mie (like my phonetic typing?) tales I've heard. On a side note, my family has already been waiting for me to become preggers with baby #2 pretty much since the day I brought baby #1 home. So i've been hearing these tales.........A LOT.

- If a baby sucks her thumb then the next child will be a boy. If she sucks her index finger then the next baby will be a girl.
*little asian baby sucked her right thumb and her left index finger...what does that mean...twins?*

- If a baby drapes things around her neck the next baby will be a boy. If she tries to put things on top of her head then a girl.
*little asian baby tries to drape things around her neck...so boy?*BUT it also may be her attempt to commit suicide for having such clueless and lame parents!

-If a baby keeps trying to look between her legs then that means mommie is pregnant.
* little asian baby does do this, but I'm NOT pregnant....at least I'm PRETTY sure i'm not*

-When mommy's new baby hairs grow to about 2 inches, it's time to get pregnant again.
*I'm letting my hair grow to the ground before I get pregnant again.*

Whether these things are true..probably not. BUT "it's just what grown ups say."

-little asian girl

"oh that?....that's papa's................privacy..."

little asian girl has started pointing. at everything. she also makes sound affects like "oooh" or " oooh waaooohh" ("oh wow"...in case you needed translation) or "oo" basically she's like a monkey. So being the best mommy in the world and wanting to support my child's immense intelligence.....(don't roll your eyes at me!! I see you!! haha) anyways, I usually try to very accurately tell her what she's pointing at.  Usually it's a light or a picture of something she recognizes, a dog (she loves dogs) but occasionally it's something unusual like a fire hydrant or in this case hubbie's..well..penis.

Now. Before you call social services. Let me put this into context. We're not exhibitionists running around the house naked at all times of the day. We're asian. (We don't even like walking from the bathroom to the bedroom naked, and we have an ensuite. My grandmother tells me not let baby be naked, because she's a girl and needs to be modest. SHE'S A BABY!! is usually what I say to grandma.) So, my husband had just come out of the shower and was toweling off and had left the bathroom door open to let out the steam. Little asian baby happened to walk into the bathroom and saw daddy there. When I happened upon her, she was standing pointing and well.... was...umm...giggling.

*pOiNt** "heeeheeheeehhee"

is what little asian baby was doing.

"what are you looking at baby? OH....hahaha...oh that?? That's ummm...papa's......privacy..."

Is what I decided to say. I guess I could have said "penis" not that she would had known, but I didn't want PENIS to be the word that stuck and have that be her first word or something. Could you imagine..cute little asian baby pointing at everything and saying "penis" "penis" oooh..."penis"

hahahaha...anyways, luckily hubby thought it was hilarious and wasn't offended at all that his child was laughing at his manhood.

oh the funny things kids do.

She also tries to nurse from hubby once in a while if he's sitting with his shirt off or something. But I'm pretty sure she's just double checking to make sure it's still a non functioning nipple. I mean I know she knows that milk don't come from there, but she tries anyways.

-little asian girl out~

Wild Kingdom

If a random person entered my house during diaper changes, he/she would, well they would trip over the plethora of toys that little asian baby leaves on the floor. * i think she thinks that they actually BELONG on the floor. Like when I hand her a toy, she just immediately throws it onto the ground...sometimes she even shoves them under the couch* it's like a game she plays.... (the "drive the crazy lady who's always trying to put clothes on me and applauds my poop" crazy game....)

Ok, so if someone were to enter my house during diaper changes they would probably think that there was an episode of "Wild Kingdom" being filmed. Between the pterodactyl (didn't know that pterodactyl started with a "p" did ya???? well, neither did I, GOOGLED IT! ) shrieks and alligator death rolls little asian baby does during diaper changes it is like a jungle here. Jungle-Circus I guess....according to yesterdays post.... Anyways, I don't know why babies HATE and i mean HATE HATE diaper changes, but they do. It's like flipping a turtle onto their backs or something, except you don't change babies just for fun....not that I would flip a turtle onto its back just for fun...or anything....anyway.

Here is what usually goes down during diaper changing time.

step 1: slowly sneak up on the prey and hand her a "forbidden" toy. Like a sparkly hair pin or car keys.

step 2: gently pick up prey. (Be careful not to startle it, or the prey will run away)

step 3: Quickly, but gingerly and while prey is distracted by the forbidden toy put prey, ok ok baby on her back.

step 4: well here is where it becomes a crap shoot. Sometimes little asian baby will by some miracle lie still enough for the WHOLE 7 sec. change. Yup, that's what I said. 7 seconds.

In the event though that she doesn't stay still, here's what happens. (which is actually 95% of the time) First there is snarling, growling, and the gnashing of teeth. And while I'm doing that.. little asian baby is screeching and flailing her arms everywhere. Then comes the death roll. It's like the one that alligators do when they get captured. Baby tries to roll, crawl, twist, or squirm away as fast as she can to allude her captor! (that would be me)

At the end of the change I'm usually on the floor with little asian baby sitting on my back, holding the roll of duct tape I gave her as the "forbidden" toy.

see.

wild kingdom.

So this got me thinking. I think the cavemen, or should I say cave women had it right. They didn't not diaper their babies because they were of lesser intelligence. They actually were of higher intelligence, because they knew that there were better, more important things to do in life like kill mastodons and invent wheels and fire! Maybe if we stopped wasting time diapering we could invent useful things like a spray to prevent fruit flies from forming, or a spray to dissolve baby snot so that we wouldn't have to suction (OMG WHICH IS ANOTHER WHOLE EPISODE, ORDEAL, TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE OF ITS OWN) or a spray to get husbands to empty out the diaper genie. (not you honey, you always take it out..thank you! loVe ya!)

just something to think about people!

-little asian girl

INTRODUCING.....LITTLE ASIAN GIRL THE GREAT!!!!!

Is what the announcer of the circus, which is now my house would say about me. "Seriously, are you sure this isn't just a circus act?" is what I think many, MANY times a day while I'm with my now 1 yr old baby girl. Between flying toys, flying food and literally RUNNING around in circles trying to dress my crazy kid, who I swear thinks that clothing is punishment...(i hear the circus music while I am running around too btw, you know the one...da da dadadada da da dadadada....insert *kaZoO* here) All I'm missing is the elephant.

Anyways, today was no different as I was performing my latest balancing act.

I was standing at my front door trying to get in. I had just left a restaurant where I "thought" I could have a quick lunch with little asian baby. (idiot! 12 months and STILL no smarter than day one~) I ended up taking my lunch to go after eating about a quarter of it. Little asian baby decided to throw her snacks, spoon, straws and tupperware lids on the floor (which is actually par for the course) she then decided to let out an ear piercing scream just for the heck of it (which btw caused neighboring patrons to glare and look on with judgement in their eyes, I swear little asian baby does it on purpose), AND THEN for the GRAND FINALE decided to actually STAND up in her high chair. TA DA! "Mommy look at me! I did it!" is the expression she always has after doing something that she shouldn't.

Afraid that someone would call child services because there was a little asain girl who obviously had NO CLUE how to raise a child, I packed up like a lightning bolt and left.

So anyways, there I was standing in front of my door and here is a picture (or at least a literary picture, because...well..i couldn't take a real picture of myself because if I had then I would have DEFINITELY won the mom of the year award!) anyways, anyways, geez I'm getting distracted today...must be Disney Junior THE CHANNEL that's on right now...."jon claude likes ice cream too!" huh? what? yeah I know....

I was holding little asian baby on my hip balancing her on my right knee which I had propped up against the wall, because I was using my right hand to try and get the key in the door. Why was I doing everything with one arm/hand you ask? Good question. Because in my left hand I was holding my to go box WITH my drink balancing on top of that...AND little asian baby was trying to pull the straw OUT of the drink so she was leaning toward the left while I was hold her on my right. PLUS I had my 300 lb diaper bag weighing me down like an anchor so yeah.

LITTLE ASIAN GIRL THE GREAT!!!

if "Jake and the Never Land Pirates" were REAL life~

So now that little asian baby is old enough to be occupied for good amounts of time with TV......

**gAsp~ aCk! THE HORRAHH THE HORRAHH~! I'm letting my baby watch TV!! I can feel the looks of horror coming from the snooty, judgmental, perfect mommies out there who only let their kids watch 1 hr of tv a day, read books to them morning, noon and night, play classical music for their brain development, and only feed them organic kale and acai berries~**

anyways, yup, my kid watches tv. A LOT of tv. basically I turn it on for her whenever we're home. Sometimes she'll watch it, sometimes she won't. It's basically like white noise to her. HOWEVER, (to make myself feel better more than anything) I only let her watch disney junior THE CHANNEL. (they always emphasize that....THE CHANNEL) I can sing every theme song, can name all the characters, and know every catch phrase. I can tell you what comes on from "Imagination Movers" at 7:30am to "Guess how much I love you" at 8:30pm. They play new episodes only on Fridays, (but not every friday) and they like to play the same 5 episodes all the time. Can you tell I've been watching Disney Junior THE CHANNEL... a lot??

Anyways, one of little asian baby's favorite (at least the one that she'll sit and watch for more than 5 min.) is "Jake and the Never Land Pirates" It's basically about three little pirate kids Jake, Izzy and Cubby who are also best friends. Their pet parrot Scully and of course Captain Hook and Mr. Smee. They run around the islands day after day without any parental supervision, solving "pirate problems" and collecting little gold coins to put into their "team treasure chest" and according to my calculations, those kids are billionares by now, so maybe we should try to find Pirate Island..

Ok, now back to the point...as I was watching an episode today, I had a thought......if you transplanted these kids into some cheesy, overly dramatic drama that played on CW or something it would basically be like Gossip Girl or One Tree Hill. (Now I realize, that unless you have kids and know something about the aforementioned cartoon show, you will have absolutely NO idea what I'm talking about and you'll just think i'm just a crazy, stay at home mom who should lay off the glitter sniffing and should switch to sugar free cupcakes, but bear with me...) Jake is the cool, dashing leader of the pack. Izzy is the cute, all natural, sweet as pie girl that everyone is in love with. Cubby would be the chubby side kick that always gets looked over and Marina (the mermaid) would be the bitchy, jealous, pretty and popular one. (she does after all have purple highlights in her hair!)

So it would probably go something like this. Jake and Izzy would be in love with each other, but Marina would also be in love with Jake and she would try and sabotage Izzy and Jake's love by trying to drown Izzy in the ocean or something. Cubby (who is also in love with Izzy and has always been secretly jealous of Jake and has always had to deal with the conflicting feelings of friendship and hatred for Jake) would try to "be there" for Izzy as Marina is playing out her evil plans and Captain Hook would be like Marina's evil uncle while Mr. Smee would be the kind butler.....or something like that.....it's not like I put a lot of thought into it or anything.......

I think I've been watching too much disney junior THE CHANNEL.

-little asian girl out.

gotta watch some news.

or at least something that doesn't involve overly upbeat children, a catch phrase, and bright colors.