Saturday, February 18, 2012

"I think my eye makeup remover isn't working..."

is what I thought as I saw dark smudges under my eyes after I had removed my makeup. After about 3 minutes of trying to rub the "residue" from my skin with every imaginable solution and practically rubbing my skin off i realized..."damn, it's not the remover, it's sleep deprivation. oh the joy." 

So basically I haven't had a full night sleep since...well...since little asian baby was born 6 months ago. So what i thought was makeup removal failure was actually the dark stain of motherhood. 

I had just gotten out of the shower and was examining my still "recovering" body.

* I say recovering because it gives me an excuse to do things that people who are recovering from something can get away with like eat 3 cupcakes at a time or spoon chocolate sauce straight out the jar......don't judge people....I'M RECOVERING! I also tell people that i "just" had a baby so when they see the elastic band of my maternity jeans peeking out from under my shirt they think that I still haven't shed all my pregnancy weight and not that I was just too lazy to put pants on with buttons~ don't judge people...i JUST had a baby..*

Anyways, as I stood in the mirror looking at the now red patches under my eyes I also noticed the ugly dark line that pregnant women get that runs from their belly button downwards, the stomach pooch that I now sported like a fanny pack, and the nasty veins in my boobs (which are bigger now by the way grandma!) that get darker as my boobs get filled with milk. (Too much info i know i know, motherhood has caused me to lose all sense of modesty or social decency. sorry dude) So as I looked on, I breathed a sigh of disappointment and as I was grabbing my clothes to get dressed, hubby walked by and said "your right breast is leaking"

I let out another long, exasperated sigh and said "yeah...i know...that's just what happens." 

So I guess until little asian baby can eat all her meals with a spoon and sleep through the night without needing to climb on top of me for comfort I'll just use concealer, wear nursing tops and keep telling people that I just had a baby to garner sympathy. haha.

-little asian girl out.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

breastfeeding...family affair?? part 2

So let's see. 

Where did we leave off. 

oh yes, sitting around in a circle "watching" me breastfeed.

So I wish the antics ended there, but of course it didn't. Here is a list..yes I said a LIST of the ways in which my family has become involved in my breastfeeding. 

Every time I breastfeed near my grandmother, she tries to pinch little asian baby's nose saying that I'm "squishing" it flat by pressing it against my boob too tightly. Newsflash grandma,  the baby's asian. a flat nose is guaranteed. Just be glad she didn't come out with chinky eyes. (yes yes i said CHINKY...but i'm asian so I can say that.)

When my dad hears baby have hiccups he starts shouting "JAMIE GIVE HER YOUR BREAST! GIVE HER YOUR BREAST!" as if saying "breast" instead of boob is any less embarrassing/inappropriate. and mind you my dad is not suave and polite say like george clooney. He's more like frank barone, the dad on everybody loves raymond. you get the pic.   

My aunt kelly came over to see the baby one day and I purposely went into the room, she however, asked Chris where I was and said "oh let me watch" and promptly came and found me. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY?!

My uncle (yeah, you thought it would stop at the aunts huh? NO SUCH LUCK!) My uncle upon seeing me for the first time after giving birth, asked me if there was even enough milk for the baby since my boobs were still so small. YUP,  you read right. (did you fall out of your chair?) He then proceeded to ask me if I was wearing a nursing tank top, and even had a hand gesture to go with it. (if you've ever seen a nursing top, you know what I mean, and if you haven't then you can just imagine what kind of hand gesture I wanted to give him back~) 

My mom's friend told me to breastfeed as long as possible. 2 years she said. Hell. to. the. no lady. hell to the no. 

and last but not least, (this one is actually kinda cute) My 6 year old niece asked me if she could watch me feed the baby, and when I said no, she asked "why can't I see your privacy? I can see mommy & daddy's?!"

Now what should I have said to my niece? Should I have been more concerned by the fact that she thought i was ok to see people's privacy or the fact that she actually saw mommy & daddy's privacy. Why did she see mommy & daddy's privacy? What was the scenario in which she saw it? Why did she want to see mine? Floored by the statement this sweet little girl had just made and with my mind swirling with crazy little asian girl thoughts, I just retreated to the guestroom, told christopher to guard the door and fed my baby quickly and quietly. 

*siGh* they don't tell you this stuff in the books. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Breastfeeding...a family affair?? part 1

It was a bright saturday afternoon. I had been home from the hospital for a few days now and was actually enjoying spending every minute I could with my new baby. I was so happy that my baby girl was here that I didn't mind the explosive poopie diapers, 1am, 3am, 5am feedings, and wished that she wouldn't sleep so much so that I could hold her in my arms as long as I wanted.......

yeah. that got old REAL quick. Now I can't WAIT for her to take her naps, mutter curse words to myself as I'm washing yet ANOTHER set of clothes that she got poop on, and I swear if SHE GETS UP ONE MORE TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT................

*pHew* now that I got that off my chest, back to the what this post was originally about. breastfeeding. is it really family affair???? ....or...just for my family...they do after all have "no boundaries"

So it was a bright afternoon, my aunt jane & my grandmother had wanted to come over to see the baby. I didn't mind, because after all, who wouldn't want to show off THE CUTEST BABY EVER!!! (although, looking back on her newborn pictures, she wasn't really that cute. Her skin was all yellow with jaundice, had baby acne, and her face hadn't de-puffed yet...but whatever...CUTEST BABY EVER!!!)

So as we were oohing and aahing over the baby (as if we had NEVER seen a baby before...hahhaa..idiots~) it came time to feed her. So, I picked up little asian baby and started to head off to my room. I figured they came to see the baby full and happy, not cranky, crying and tryingtoripmyfaceoffbecausethe
milkisn'tcomingoutfastenough!!
! *bReAtH*bREatH*CUPCAKE* anyways, I headed off to my room when suddenly my grandmother said, 

"where are you going with the baby?" 

"oh, it's time to feed her so I'm gonna feed her in here."

"why? Just feed her out here! I wanna see how well she eats! Don't you know that babies are the cutest when they breastfeed? They even sometimes play with your other boob while feeding! It's great!!" 

Now obviously I didn't want to be rude (i mean can you say no to someone who birthed and breastfed your own mother?) but I also, didn't want to WHIP out my boob in front of everyone. I mean who would?? well I guess strippers, but at least they get paid for that and last time I checked, this wasn't the 2pm showing of little asian girl breastfeeds little asian baby! Well, I didn't even have time to decide before my aunt jane chimed in by saying "OH I WANNA WATCH TOO! I never breastfed, so i wanna see how it's done~"

seriously people? you really wanna "watch"???? Now I readily accept the fact that my family is inappropriately involved in each others lives, but breastfeeding...really?? So I trudged my way back to the couch and as I sat there with my mother, sister, aunt AND grandmother "watching" the baby breastfeed I thought....... 

well. isn't this awkward.

I wish I could say that the story ends there, but of course...it doesn't. 

but the baby is crying her head off right now so.. 

to be continued......


little asian girl out~

"Excuse me Mr. Pharmacist, but where are the REGULAR condoms?"

So begins the many MANY adventures little asian girl has been having since the birth of little asian baby.

Now, due to the advances in medical science and the invention of contraceptives such as the birth control pill, I have not had to buy condoms, well ever. HOWEVER, motherhood changes many things, and due to the fact that the pill affected my milk supply I have had to resort to using them. Oh the joy. 

It was a bright sunny day when I ventured into the Target pharmacy to purchase yet ANOTHER case of diapers (for such a little thing a lot of **it pun intended..hehehe..comes out of it~) and yes yes the CONDOMS. 

So call me old fashion, but I remember a time when condoms came in two varieties. Trojan and Lifestyle. Maybe ribbed, with or without lubricant and or spermicide. 

Therefore,  I was totally unprepared for the plethora of options now available to the general public (as opposed to that seedy XXX store on the corner of creep st and perv ave...) Here are some that I saw and some I wished I didn't see. 

1. Fire & Ice. I don't know about you, but I don't want anything catching on fire or having to be doused with ice down there. If you feel fiery or icy down there, maybe it's time  you make an appt with your gyno.

2. Barely there, ultra thin, invisible. Now, call me crazy, but they all sound like the same thing to me. Are people really that dumb? Maybe those boxes were intended to be sent to wal-mart but made it to target instead.....

3. Assorted colors. Ummm....most people I know are having sex in the dark. Whether it's because you're too drunk to turn the lights on or trying to hide your post pregnant body, I don't give a da*n what color the condom is. As long as your penis is a normal color that's all that really matters. Right? 

4. Flavored. EWW. NASTY. NO. NEVER.

5. NEW AND IMPROVED DESIGN! as if there is more than one way to design a condom. Last time I checked every man's whoo ha is shaped the same, so unless the condom designer man knows something we don't I wouldn't trust that box. 

Overwhelmed by the bevy of choices, I stood there staring blankly and contemplated as to whether I should ask the pharmacist where the "regular" condoms were. BUT to save myself (and the pharmacist) some embarrassment, I settled on the plain gray box with the white writing on it. No fruit. No flames. No nonsense.

*siGh*