Friday, September 30, 2011

"You're practically gay!!"


Last weekend I went to my grandparents house for my monthly visit. They live really close to us, like only 15 min. away so I try to visit them as often as I can being the WONDERFUL, AMAZING, LOVING, OH SO PERFECT (those are my grandparents words not mine~) granddaughter that I am. My grandmother is a spit fire, who doesn't take no crap from no one and always says what is on her mind. (kinda like someone else i know...hmmmm...little asian girl thought to herself...) 

So I was sitting there laughing hysterically at my grandpa, who has in the recent months gained like 15 lbs and can no longer fit into his suit trousers (seriously there was like a two inch gap between the button and the button hole), and she looked over at me and all of a sudden asked how come I don't got no ta tas!! Well that shut me up right there, and she proceeded to continue on saying that all the women in the family, including herself who at 76 still has like double d's, has them. Well, it is no mystery that I have no ta ta's like i said board with two nails, so whatever i'm not offended. I'M AT PEACE WITH MY BODY! (where is that damn cupcake!!!)

Later that evening........

I was telling Christopher about the comment my grandmother said, and he "jokingly"..."lovingly?" said it's probably because I have too much testosterone in my body. SO I..."jokingly" AND "lovingly" said..."that must mean you're practically gay!" ahahahahahahaa...right??? Well...Chris didn't think that was too funny and he gave me a really offended look which made it even MORE funny to me so I started laughing hysterically and he was not. I think it was more funny to me because, when Chris and I first met he had a group of like literally 15 or so guy friends that went everywhere together. Whenever I would run into him at clubs/parties he and his friends would NEVER have any girls around. It also didn't help that they all still lived at home with their momma's, wore expensive designer clothing, had matching cars (honda s2000's to be exact), and loved to eat out and shop more than me and my girlfriends did. So I used to make fun of him and his friends by saying that my girlfriends and I thought they were all a little "off" aka "gay", but we were wrong, cuz now everyone is getting married. 

To women....just to clarify~

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Did you get dressed in the dark?

So every Saturday morning I go to church for morning prayer. It is pretty uneventful considering that it starts at 6 in the morning, and mostly everyone (except me of course!) looks like they just crawled out of bed and grabbed what ever oversized jacket they could find to hide their pj's. Anyway, so as I was sitting there sleeping..i mean listening...to the pastor's sermon, and in walked this lady wearing the MOST HIDEOUS outfit I've seen in a long time and OF COURSE she sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME! oh the joy. 

Now we all know that retro 80's fashion is totally in...(it's true, I read it on the internet!)  but what happens to 80's fashion in the hands and mind of a fashionista and this lady are two TOTALLY different things.

So let's start with the hair. Now this lady had crimped, and I mean CRIMPED her hair. Then if that wasn't bad enough, she then sprayed it to a crisp with hair spray, like a chola chick, but she's a 40 something korean woman so... THEN to top it all off, she put it half up and half down with a blue bejeweled rinestone clip which was not cute or even that sparkly. It was most likely "hecho in chine" (made in china) because, you could see the dried hot glue around the rinestones and the silver coating was chipping off. I totally hate half up hair do's cuz it reminds me of orlando bloom in Lord of the rings, and even he with that beautiful face, can't pull it off.

Then comes the outfit. MAN OH MAN THE OUTFIT! (insert HUGH sigh and eye blinking roll HERE!)
She was wearing a white t-shirt UNDER a KNIT tank top that had three shades of blue cascading downward with JEAN BERMUDAS. WHAT?! I KNOW!! Not ONLY jean bermudas though,  jean bermudas WITH OPAQUE STOCKINGS! And luckily for us it get's EVEN better..well worse actually, but better for us. With this "lovely" ensemble she also was wearing OPEN TOE wedge sandals with faux LAVENDER leather for the straps, and the shoes also had GOLD GLITTER BOWS glued to the front of them! AWESOME!   

just kill me now. 

but here is the "piece de resistance", as if the outfit wasn't complete enough the way it was, she wore an anklet OVER the stocking which came with matching bracelets (one for each wrist of course) and earrings, and she was wearing them all! (They were however, very appropriately made of cross pendants, so good for her) OMG I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE! My eyes bulged so far out of their sockets that if anyone had looked over at me they would have thought I was having a stroke!

My brain couldn't grasp how any person, man, woman, or 4 yr. old child even, could dress that badly. So to keep my mind from EXPLODING from the thought, I just decided to believe that since it was SO early in the morning, she must have just got dressed in the dark and I prayed for her. 

SPANX.....do i need to say more?

Originally dated May 24, 2010


Whoever invented "spanx" should be shot. Although I do realize that not all women share this opinion, I for one think it's like the poor man's version of lipo. I understand that it is considerably cheaper than liposuction and there's no down time, but it's still an arguably torturous process to go through and the emotional (and some physical) scars that result are the same. 

**note...although this email contains information about my dear sister that I find HILARIOUS and does not portray my mother is such a wonderful light, I am NOT trying to poke fun at their expense. I just felt that the experience we had this weekend, when we tried to find spanx for my sister to wear at the wedding was SOOOOOO funny, it made me nearly pee my pants, and I thought we CANNOT be the only one's who have gone through this. And I would like all viewers to know I LOVE MY SISTER and I for one was (and still is) against her wearing these horrid things**

Being a "little asian girl" myself, I have never (and I don't mean to offend anyone...but) had to even venture into that section of the lingerie department at macy's that holds the evil contraptions. However, my sister who has been endowed with a fuller more voluptuous figure than I was not so fortunate. Not that she is extremely overweight by any means, but like every woman, myself included, has some areas that need to be worked on. My mother, being the stage mom that she is (although she of course would NEVER admit it) wanted my sister to wear spanx under her dress so that her figure could look "glamorous" instead of "fat". That's what my mom calls my sister's figure.."glamorous" it's basically like when mom's call their "well fed" boys "husky". They have to cover their minor disappointments with delusions.

Anyways, so there I was with my sister, mom, and poor dad who had to come along with us cuz he needed new dress shoes and a dress shirt, (The whole spanx scenario though he slept through while sitting on the benches outside the fitting rooms...lucky duck!) staring at the what seemed like 100's of different kinds of spanx. Now I remember the days when the lingerie department was mostly comprised of, well, LINGERIE. Lacy thongs, trashy sequined boustier's, and thigh high stockings. But now all I saw were tummy control panties, push up bras with padding so thick you could line a psycho's cell with and of course spanx! Big ones, small ones, sheer ones, and ones with elastic so thick that it was like they just glued rubber bands to it. It was crazy! AND WE HADN'T EVEN TRIED ANY OF THEM ON YET! So after gathering a small sampling of spanx, the three of us ventured optimistically...well  my mom was optimistic, my sister was still deciding whether she should be upset/offended or open minded, and I was just looking frantically around for a damn cookie. But off into the dressing room we went. 

Now putting on spanx is a three part process, or so it was for us. First my sister had to as least get it on. Since they are spandex material, you have to put them on from the bottom up and then inch them up the contours of your body. However, if you are not that nimble and or even a little bit sweaty, the elastic sticks, CLINGS to your body like saran wrap. So you have to be as cool as a cucumber and know how to maneuver your body so that the elastic doesn't stick to the backs of your knees or small of your back and can stretch amply past your thighs/hips. (and my sister, even with the slightest bit of embarrassment sweats...a lot....i mean when she was little and i mean like in high school, she couldn't even order for herself at a restaurant without blushing...) So after literally like 5 min. of pulling, tugging, huffing and puffing (and i'll blow your house down! oh wait..that's a different story) my sister FINALLY got the spanx on. Now comes the second part, another person has to help you adjust the crinkles and bunches that formed as you tried to squeeze your body into this sausage casing. I know it sounds horrible, but it's a flesh colored elastic tube...a sausage casing is a flesh colored elastic tube! The reason why you can't do it yourself is that the more you try to bend and squirm to straighten things out the worse it gets. You just have to stand there with your arms out while another person embarrassingly (or if your my mom, who was DETERMINED to get her into it, aggressively) put their hands in and out, up, down the spanx to make it sit straight. Now imagine someone running their hands up and the down the INSIDE of your swimsuit WHILE you were wearing it, and that is what it looked like. NEEDLESS TO SAY I ALMOST PASSED OUT FROM TRYING TO HOLD IN MY LAUGHTER. I was turning red/blue from the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Then the third and final part is the sit test,  you have to see if you can actually sit down while wearing this straight jacket of a thing without tearing something or passing out.  

After a few more valiant attempts by my sister and incessant bitching from me, my mom finally gave up and said "well it's whatever makes you feel comfortable..." but you could tell she almost threw up in her mouth a little while saying it. My mother as wonderful as she is, always wants "the best for us", that's what she calls it, her inherent need for perfection..."the best for us."

SO HURRAY! NO SPANX! 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

"Is that a blow up doll??...oh..no it's just a mechanical horse."

Asian husband and I usually drive home everyday in silence because we spend 8 hours in the same room together so what can we really say that we both don't already know. It's like "how was your day today? Well, you should know you were there"  but on Friday as he was driving and I was about to take a blissful cat nap I all of a sudden heard him say "Is that blow up doll?" Now that in itself is a surprising question to ask anyone, unless of course you were at a bachelor party or watching a porno or something, but driving south on the 57 at 5 pm isn't really the time or place that you would expect that kind of question. So I uprighted my chair and looked around and saw a pick-up truck in front of us with what really did seem like a flesh colored statue of some sort on it's truck bed. It took a minute for my eyes to focus on what this peculiar looking thing was since the truck was like 20ft from us, but as we inched closer we realized that it was one of those mechanical horses that kids ride in front of like rite aid or cvs.  It was flesh colored and was positioned to look like it was rearing up so it did kind of look like a standing blow up doll. It was funny. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The year of change~

So, I have to say that this past year has definitely been....eventful...

I got married, June of last year, 


Bought our first place in July


got pregnant in November


And had our first baby girl in August!
I know, I know...CUTEST BABY EVER!

So I guess you can I've been pretty busy. And of course through it all, I've had many hilarious and frustrating moments which have been written about in emails to friends and family with great wit, humor and exceptional writing talent. (you say delusional, I say wit, humor and exceptional writing talent.. Tomato, Tomahto) So comes the next series of posts about events that have passed, but that still crack me up to this day and makes me wonder how I survived through it all. 
Enjoy~

Thursday, September 15, 2011

What can I say....they're family....you gotta love them. Right?


Let me start my first post by saying that I love my family. Not just my immediate family, (dad, mom, bro & sis) but my ENTIRE EXTENDED family. Grandpas, grandmas, aunts, uncles, cousins. We are a loud and crazy bunch consisting of like 30 some odd people and every time we get together we laugh, cry, bicker, etc....and run through the full gamut of emotions (and that's just a casual dinner, don't even get me started on the holidays....) However, as much as I love my family and wouldn't change them for the world, they are at times (many a times) wildly inappropriate, rude, obnoxious, have absolutely NO boundaries, but are endlessly comical, entertaining, talented and loving. And as I live through life's experiences with them I can't help but wonder if that CW sitcom is actually based on my family and someone is screwing me out of a fat royalty check.

My parents and their families immigrated here in their twenties and are considered "1st generation Koreans" I am in turn 2nd generation, and my new baby is now the beginning of the 3rd generation. And just like probably many asian people of my age whose parents took ESL classes to "learn english" but still say things like "where you go now?" There is a constant clash between the older generation and the new. However, these clashes make for some hilarious and unbelievable stories, so I write about them, because if for no other reason I would like to have written proof that these things really did happen!

And when I'm 80 sitting in my wheelchair at the nursing home, sipping my drug laced apple juice, I'll read these posts and say "oh my life, what an adventure it was!"

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

All About...well a little about...Me..

This post makes me feel like a 3rd grader all over again. Waiting for my turn to be "student of the week", cutting out magazine pictures of things that describe me and gluing them haphazardly around the awkward school photo of myself. (in which I think I was missing my front teeth or something) Back then I'm sure I used some gawd awful neon colored poster paper, an obscene amount of glitter glue pen and tried to "create some interest" by decorating the board with squiggly lines and swirls. And although I've traded neon poster paper for a laptop and no longer have to put a gawky, toothless photo of myself, I still love and I mean LOVE to use obscene amounts of glitter and have more than just two doodle designs in my repertoire.

So for the millions of fans that wait anxiously for my captivating posts (ok, ok, so I don't have ANY fans, I mean not even my dear husband has read my posts..but I will remain optimistic.) and at the risk of sounding like a bad online dating profile, I describe myself so that my SOON to be legions of fans can have some insight into me and my life. BUT.........since I'm weirdly anti-social and paranoingly private I'll skip the personal information and just describe my likes, dislikes, pet peeves and interests.

Name: Little Asian Girl

Age: young enough to still look good in a swimsuit, but too old to wear a mini skirt. 

Location: la la land mostly

Relationship Status: Married w/one newborn baby! (THE CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD!)

Hobbies/Interests: 
cooking & baking. I have a SERIOUS addiction to anything containing sugar, trans fat, sprinkles, butter, anything that can be fried and topped with whipped cream I'll eat it. and lots of it. Oh, and I also make a mean fish taco~ (considering opening up a fish taco truck one day...but that's another post....)

crafting.  I have been called the asian martha stewart and can glitter-fy anything and make it look good. I also insists that everything be color coordinated with matching ribbons and have a room for crafting only. 

spending time with family. 

Pet Peeves: people who eat my plate of desserts (yes I said dessertS, plural..I usually want more than one), people who invade my personal space, people who behave stupidly in public places, telemarketers,  people in general. 

Likes: My husband, my baby, cupcakes, cookies, anything sweet, crafting, decorating, glitter, ribbons, scrapbook papers, cooking, baking, being bossy, my family, weddings, really really high heels.

Any other information you'd like to share: Whenever I feel anxious, uncomfortable, sad, angry, happy, excited......basically anytime... I reach for sweets and have an urge to redecorate my entire house and glitter-fy something and tie it up with a pretty ribbon.  


so there you have it. a little bit about me in a nutshell, that hopefully will help you to understand why I think my life is so funny and won't consider my writings to be just some random ramblings of a crazy little asian girl.